7000 ft up, pneumonia and saving the best till last

Well, having been here at the Ashsram in Kodaikanal for just over a week now, I am fully embracing the  quietness  (and the thin air).  I’m coughing and wheezing like I don’t know ….. and letting it all be ok.

The birds flapping their wings.  The purple hills.  The coldness and clear sky at 5.45 am,  just before giving thanks to the morning.  All is well.  Vegetarian food.  Only 6 of us here.  Feelings of love and family embrace the  total place.

I am being quiet and listening to what is going on within.  Sometimes that is  so noisy and it is also ok.

We have spiritual consultations almost daily and the psycology of  yoga daily.  It all seems quite familiar and yet I am hearing it  for the first time.

Al,l I can say is that I am inthe right place.  Actually, the day before  I arrived, I almost  cancelled my stay.  A sure sign of my ego not wanting me to examine what is going on.  I thought Iwould need to ‘get rid of’ some stuff after the slums …… no, that’s not my experience.

I’ll say  cheerio for  now, not knowing if and when I can reconnect before  I leave on 22nd Feb.  Jackie x

Saying goodbye on so many fronts

‘Team America’ was at the slums abode today to throw a party nd I thought it would be fun to go along. I didn’t think anything could resemble the party at Christmas – known for the disasterous noise and chaos. It happened again today on a smaller scale. Glad I was not in charge – whew!

Saying goodbye to hundreds of children and the streetworkers,. Judith, Ashang, the American team and all the helpers – yipes – I ws already feeling homesick and then that just topped it. Singing, clapping and cheering.

These children live very much in the NOW and discipline each other. I am hugely humbled again to be part of seeing how it all works and yes, it works fine.

Many changes within me and I will be glad to get to the Ashram to just BE and find out just how I am feeling. There are so many people around all the time. Nothing is secret and I have been here 3 months alredy.

Alison Holland and I were discussing that I would hold a private party with me telling about my Indian Trip – the REAL story, and I have to laugh. Yes, I can see my way forward now toward coming home on 25th Feb.

That’s it – loving life and getting used to sleeping on the floor again which is not so good ….. only for another 2 nights though then off agin. I’ve selp in so many beds, and on so many floors, I sometimes forget where I am. Jackie x

the slums again – not getting any easier

Hi – this will be brief as I wrote a long blog and it got lost in cyber space.  All is well and the slums re-visited today.  The beach shacks they call home and me feeling intimidated as I went there on my own.  Not such a good idea.  Invited into one of the slums home which was met with another shock of how other people live and form their community.

The weather is getting hotter and hotter here and I’m unsettled today – working on releasing to get back to the balanced place.  Am ok and conscious of how I am operating.  Need to go quiet again and looking forward to the ashram on 2nd Feb.  Thinking of you all.

Lastly before I forget.   NONE OF THE CHILDREN are playing with their toys!! they think they are too precious and might spoil them.   know, let it all go and it is none of my business ….. xx speak soon Jackie xx

is it really the 8th of January?

Hi all – sorry for the silence from my end. I am in total, yes, total peace. I am in the Karnataka region – where all of the major temples are situated and I just feel so at home here. I was staying in a mud hut (with cold running shower) for just over 3 pounds sterling and now am awaiting an ayevedic massage – lucky me.

I hadn’t realised that I so mistrust in certain situations, and am finding that out – big time. Seems like when converdstions/negotiations are taking place for my bernefit, I have a pattern of mistrusting what’s been offered and what’s been said. Just more inner work to do and it sure is working, this quietness.

Off to North Goa tomorrow evening and spending time with a new set of people for 2 weeks, so quite looking forward to the yoga, tai chi, massage, dance and singing on the beaches there – sounds a bit like the opposite of what I’m expereiencing here.

Here is the land of hippies and dreadlocks ….. not only feeling at home here in one respect, and completely out of it in another – almost like a time warp. I missed out on the hippy time when I was younger.

I’ll aim to speak soon – so much love coming to me and from me – multi national – oh – had the Delly Belly yesterday which grounded me for a while so stayed low and read my book. Huge hugs to all – nothing much to say other than I’m still in love with my life out here and writing my book almost daily. Have even been offered UK speaking work since getting here and of course, yes came so naturally ….. Nameste! xx

Christmas party was both a disaster and the best of everything

We are having frequent ‘current loss’ ie electricity cut outs and sometimes for whole days.  I did not expect this and it happened on 20th December, just as we were getting ready for the Slum Kids’ party. all was set.  The presents were there on display, the balloons and other festive decor was up and made quite an impact on the huge hall.  Just under 300 children had arrived and some mothers – just over 300 I guess.  We shut the gates as there were another 500 or so children outside, wanting to come in and join.

We had to have the electrics – the loudspeakers for such vast numbers and age ranges.  The current went dead and the room, already hot – got HOT with a capital H.  the children got restless (you can understand that, I’m sure) and often they wanted to go outside and play ….. but the risk was not allowing them back in alongside the 500 waiting outside!

Aftger an hour, a generator was produced.  It was too small.  My gorgeous angel called Judith, who is FOREVER POISED said that she was stressing – you would not have known – and that she didn’t  know what to do.  Quick as a flash it came to me.  All of the other helpers were Christian – I know, believe me, I do know ….. so I said, I thought it was obvious ….?  That they had the power of pray, why don’t you pray?

Not being of that faith I did lots of releasing and eventually the gigantic generator turned up alonside god knows how many technicians to operate it.  It billowed out smoke, the fumes almost killed the outsiders …… and it worked.

We had a few skits – the stable scene had a real goat ….. and just a newest of babies born to one of the street workers and borrowed for the occasion.  My heart was in my throat.  And again so when we ran out of time for some of the childrens’ presentations – we’d only hired the room for 2 hours and were due to be shown the door …..

Me giving the presents was hilarious.  Judith called the names and the age of the child and a\that child, plus all their siblings, cousins and extendced family turned up for the present – one each.  That almost got Judith and yet,….. and yet, poised again and with full of love, she gently and firmly led each of the ‘extras’ to the stage steps and showd them where to sit.

I have written about this extensively in my book – and one of the consequences of the regular current cuts! is that my Flip video recorder got corrupted.  It has had a recovery – well, sort of – so not all is lost.

Yesterday, I was asked to judge the sand castle displays on the beach at 8.00 am which was pure joy.  About 70 children turned up and got to work.  Then 2 new travellers came over – both French – and asked me where to find accommodation.  I feel more like a celebrity and tour guide at times …. and I am taking a quite route – honest.  Life is finding me.  Even in my new digs, which are divine – the new neighbours next to me are neighbours of Jon and Sue Boys – and they know Neelam – Brian and Sky are their names from Letchworth

Life is good and I had 2 major spiritual insights yesterday – both very private and not for this page.  To say that I am receiving the love that I am giving out is one thing – and to experience the sheer volume of this love is quite another.  It’s seeping through to my very bones.

Today I went to the opticians – a specialist costing just less than 3 pounds. And getting my specs made up will cost me just under 20 pounds – now these are verifocals and really costly in the UK so I am saving a packet.

Lastly, I am going to Hampi for about a week wef 4 January.  there are many temples there and many travellers with deep conversations and experiences – sounds just like my cup of tea.  The temperature is slightly lower there – here is is still in the high 30s.  Chrismas came and went and I had a wonderful time.  I was advised to book a table for new years eve as the beach attracts thousands for celebrations and I would need a vantage point to watch the fireworks and see what’s going on.

I’ve been at a loss for what to do at night as it gets dark at 6 pm and trying to read by torch lite is not a deal of fun, so I’ve been bedding down early rather than go out boozing.  I am soooo glad that I have chosen the quiet life in all this chaos and for the most part it is serving me when.  I think I am almost invisible these days which is really a breath of fresh air.

With all of that, and if you are still with me, I would like to wish you all a Merry Christmas and all the things you would wish for yourselves and your families – to be present at the beginning and throughout the whole of 2011.

Thank you again for your donations and the availability of your love and warmth to be here being the best that I can in strange lands.  Jackie xx

a quick note

Hi all – just to say that I am getting more comments now.  The system here does not seem sooooo compatible with the UK.  Anyway, I did give everyone my blog details – you just don’t need to put in the usual www ….  that’s all.  Trusting you get the book you were after Carl and that Julie, you are working on theproject in hand ….  I am resting now as my body is quite exhausted.  xx

Now then, just where do I start?

I really don’t know – the dial up system here in India is great in a sense that I have a great excuse for not being on the computer. Wi fi is in the future (Indian Bollywood movie, I guess) and a little frustration when I cannot connect with those I love.

Anyway – thank you Debbie – for the additional funds. Not sure how much and if it’s gone into my account – the internet system does not feel safe enough for me to check on line so a text would be super,  and I’m honoured that I can now afford the full Christmas, the Hall and soft drink I promised for the children.

I was flaming mad the other day – the promised Hall was refused when the Mayor realised it was for the slum children – ‘they are dirty’ he said – yes, I replied. ‘They smell’ he said – yes I replied. and they are children with one day of fun and the first Christmas in so many years that anyone has even bothered about them. Respected them and now you are renaging on your promise ….. I certainly let rip in a quiet and ‘no nonsense’ way.

Anyway – it felt kinda good to feel anger as it has been a long time since anything has stired me up THAT much.  Ayway, I let it be and said to myself ‘this or something better’.  Well, it just worked.  He phoned to say he had had a change of mind and that it was OK with him.  so that is that – back to where we were.

I seem to have a new adventure every two hours – so I’m keeping up to date with my blog book or whatever it will end up being called.  Yesterday, for instance, I arrived in Bombay and you remember the film Slumdog Millionaire?  Well, on the road from the airport, that is where it was filmed.  and I thought I could not be shocked any more.  The slums are so bad and it goes on for so many miles, almost 10 miles I think.  All day yesterday I felt an inner anger and dissatisfaction with anything and everything.  I eventually just allowed all that crap to be there.  to be felt fully and just allowed it to be ok.  It bothered me for most of the day and then I got fed up with it and just allowed it to release in its own time

today was different and I went sight seeing.  I actually met, on 2 different occassions, 2 different men and had dates with each of them.  One was living in Seattle and a professor in chemistry and the other a Police Marshall in Canada.  the former was interested in my adventures and meeting with Aila regarding the dowry system in India and the babies who are sold then touted for business until they die, usually after a year.  and then there’s the HIV problem where I am at Bynia Beach end and that about 50% of the children have it although it’s not diagnosed and commonly known about.  And then there are the young women who are sold for prostitution.  How do I know any of this?  My newish friend Aila has been working with these groups for 15 years here.  She is a beautiful Brazilian woman who has such a huge heart and it must be pure gold.  She researches well and it is not heresay, the stories and the education I have been almost infused with.  Anyway – the professor may just come to the childrens Christmas party on 20th December, so that would be fun.  The othere chap, Rick is going to Goa tomorrow for 8 days and I was able to help him find accommodation and discover some of the places he was thinking of visiting.  He laughed when we both discovered that we were both born with a passport as a placenta – how else could he or I just have theis travelling love.  Oh by the way – I love that I am travelling on my own and I love that I have not got too many things organised for the stay – that certainly would be too regimented and I am having so many adventures and lots of fun – alongside a deeper understanding and a greater compassion for others.  So glad that I am a story-teller.

Tomorrow is my last full day in Bombay and will take a long, long walk along Marina Walk.  The temperature is wonderful a cool 26 degrees and loveable.  I will probably meet the Canadian for breakfast in town and then  see what the day brings.  This City is huge and more agressive, in my opinion and that’s ok.  Trying to get accommodation for Calcutter on Tuesday as off to Manipur on Wednesday ….. so I will wish you all well and give you a huge hug, each and every one of you.

Oh – for a long while I was curious that not many people were publishing posts on my blog …. and then I realised I was wanting approval and attention …. and one I realised that, all was ok and I’m not so bothered whether or not I hear from you – it’s certainly my responsibility on managing how I feel about being here, and you all being there – perhaps in the cold?  Who knows.  Anyway – tatty bye for now – really, I am ok now that I have had my ‘hit the wall two days’  Lots of love Jackie x

yippee – got on the internet with a dongle

Just a quick note whilst I can give you an update. All is well here and an exciting day tomorrow. Judith and I are going to pick up the Christmas pressies you have paid for so I will be taking more photos. Unfortunately, it is a real challenge – using the dial up does not allow me to send any photos.

However, they ill be on the CD or e-book that I’m writing

I changed accommodation last night – and kept awake most of the evening as it was like living on a building site with lots going on. I felt as though I was in the middle of a busy bar on the beach. I p …..d off the owner when I checked out at 7am and made myself homeless! Not to worry too much though, my friend Alex was vacating a wonderful apartment here so I’ve taken it for a few days until the next bookings come in on 12th December.

It’s owned by an English man. Has a swimming pool – is in the country end of Goa – cool, with breakfast included for £20 per night. I’m being spoilt and very much loving it.

The common denomitor about what’s happening here – —- and yes, it seems to be men —– when one comes into my life, as a friend or confident, he goes, then another turns up – this is a pattern that seems to work. I am being guided to attract people in my life that have the ability to show me a different depth of kindness and love – in a more male way and practical too! Not for me the gooey stuff. It’s fun too especially as I am not getting involved being a tourist. Decided long ago that that was not what I wanted.

This trip is for me and my inner journey. I feel so blessed at just being here (and it’s hot too). I’ve managed to speak with many of you either skype or email – and sometimes on the phone. I am blessed. Again, I founda huge bookshop yesterday in Panjim – and bought some books -Brian Weiss – yum ….. so I have replenished my stock.

I was telling Urmill that I have been in India for a month tomorrow and Deborah asked me the best thing about being here. I love it and it feels like I have come home. The Universe has and is moving to align me with the parts that have not had exposure for a while. Different ways of showing kindness. Ways of expressing my truth and living to tell the tale without remorse.

So that’s it really…… Our Christmas party is on 20th December (or is it the 19th?) anyway, I will be buying some Christmas decorations and I am teaching the Children some new songs starting tomorrow. Exciting stuff and my friend Kym was saying that when she was in India, having Christmas with the children was the best part of her journey …. watch this space.

Anyway everyone, Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers and knowing that I am safe and well. Being very quiet and anonymous ….. huge hi and huge bye!! From yours in the sunshine Jackie x

it’s about letting it all be ok …. really ok

OK – the rough stuff.  I had been to visit the slums as posted earlier.  On Monday (surely not just 5 days ago?) I visited Hope Centre with a view to just seeing Judith in action – she was.  She had about 9 children aged bout 5 and next door were bout 30 pre school children with her colleague.  Now, the children were dressed in a yellowish and blue uniform and were clean and respectful.  A couple of photos later and Judith and I went down stairs to meet some visitors.

2 beautiful Brazilain women – one more mature – about aged 30 and the other about 20.  they could not speak English and that ws ok.  They wanted to visit Baina Beach wheree the slum children live – or some of them.  These 2 young women were missionaries (still unsure as to what that might mean) and they were Christians – the place is over run with Christians – no offence, but they seem to want to get tht point across.

I wasn’t too perturbed about the revisit of familiar territory – MISTAKE, OH BOY, BIG MISTAKE.  We spent a few hours there – it was hotter than usual and we visited some of the houses – more like tiny shacks, filled with everything from cooking, to huge TV, housing up to 5 children and grandparents too.  In one room.

RESPECT.  Now, a while ago I decided to love as much as I can.  That is a challenge to me sometimes and I’m meeting all this half way with respect for those who live s they do.  I am deeply humbled to say that they (the mothers) allowed us to take photos – I also have video footage, and because of the slowness of all things internet at the moment, I cannot upload.  I will soon when the Hotel near me gets its server fixed.

The pride on the mothers fces as seeing their children being respected nd accepted – without reservation – I felt it all deeply.  Raw sewage was running between the ‘houses’ and the beach is where the main toilet is.  I stood in a huge pile of crap and the children thought this hilariously funny.  Apparently, that is a great sourse of amusement when this happens and these stories last within their community for ages.

The elder visitor stood in 2 piles – one human and one dog. Talk about laughter – from the children, that is.  Washing our feet in the ocean – I was so glad that I was releasing from start of the day and continued without break.

These children are happy.  they know no different and they love being tickled and just given attention to.  It did feel quite intrusive, though, taking photos.  I’m so glad that I was not on my own.  A small girl of about 5 was gutting fresh fish with her tiny fingers.  First, gouging out the eyes and then peeling off the skin into a boswl of murky water.

Back at Hope Centre and after a thorough cleaning up process and 2 hours later, a meal that Judith cooked (she really, really is  hands-on  angel), I got ready to go.  No I know I don’t speak Brazilian and when I went to say goodbye, the elder woman recoiled when she knew I was (a) not Christian  – what did  think I was doing here?  And the other thing – the fact that I might be more Buddist than anything else – ah! Satan among us.  In saying that, when she blessed the children and family of one household, she prayed in her mother tongue and again – I went deep inside to that really soft place.  Deeply moved and hardly able to do anything and wanting to crumble, I knew I just had to get out of there.

Got back and was ill for the rest of the evening nd all the next day.  Just accepted that I was processing nd silently said thank you for most of my time awake.  Thank you for all the things in my beautiful life.  For being able to afford the time and the money to feel what I’m feeling.

I am starting to change.  I spend so much time on my own just allowing my thoughts and feelings to come and go.  Being anonymous and the observer …. is just suiting me fine.

Went for a long walk along the beach today – about 10 laps I think starting at 5.30 when it was still dark ….. and cool, so cool.  the kingfishers are abundant before the beach get more visitors and I just love Kingfishers.  They remind me of a recent time when I was with Imtiaz

Judith and I are going shopping for the Christmas pressies today – Christmas Day will be on the 20th December – when the pastor is avilable.  I’m changing guest houses as where I am now is not as private as I wish, with the girl just calling in unannounced – whether I’m dressed or not.  I got a good deal and we’ll see how I go.  Lots of love and postcards from Goa  Jackie x

My soul friend Alex returns tomorrow and we will catch up on all things.  He leaves flor Egypt next week.

3 weeks in and am surrounded by pure unadulterated love

As I have now been in India for 3 weeks, I reflected this morning as I did 6 fst wlking laps of the golden sands ont he beach where I am lodging – on just how much I am loved.  Everyone here at Bogmola Beach seem to just ‘look out’ for me.  It’s incredible nd because I have chosen to be more anonymous and not mix with other holiday makers, I can observe more.  And receive more without being centre stage that I have been known to occupy on many occasions!

It’s fascinating.  I just feel wrapped in this stuff I used to run awy from.  I have added geatly to the book I mentioned in the last post and I know that very personal parts of me are beginning to be not only exposed, but healed, also.

I have given some Soul Sex talks and workshops in the UK and America earlier in the year and will continue with them as part of my portfolio career.  I hadn’t realised that I was also going to be giving similar talks here in Goa.  And the feedback I am getting is quietly encouraging – I could tell you about the healings and the transformations on that side and take all day.  However, I won’t – you will have to read it in the book.

The internet here is still soooooo slow and sometimes I feel exhausted because (say) one hours of computing might take me about 4 1/2 hours with the power cuts, lack of speed, lack of contacts immediatley to hand etc. 

I reminded myself of something fascinating the other day.  I was on Chemo about 6 years ago following the breast cancer. When I went to the Maldives, I was the only one not bitten.  Now again, where the holiday makers are scratching and putting stuff on for the mozzies, I don’t get looked at (thank you C).  Also, I have a lizzard who resides in my rooms so he eats the night time creatures, I guess.

The landlady has begun to provide me with flowers and plants as she knows this is of interest to me and blessings again.

I visited the school lessons today.  First of all pre-school children – about 30 of them, all sitting quietly learning.  Hardly any fidgetting and in their uniforms that always seem quite respectively clean.  Then into Judith’s class of 5-6 year olds, again in uniforms of yellow and white.

I’m keeping in touch with some of you by phone and or telepathy and it is great to know that I am in your thoughts.  There’s so much to say.  The noise, vibrancy and sheer numbers of people in the towns and cities is incredible.  Even when I go to the beach under the bright moon, so it’s not so dark, there are lots of Indian people around.

I’ve actually now settled in to a place where I can get some real silent times if I want them.  I have regained some of my meditative practices and mostly breathing practices – especially the little death taught to me by Robert Hawk.  It really saves my day, sometimes and helps me not to go into myself. After all, India has worked the way it has for thousands of years and it’s for me to observe and take time to heal those judgements of how I might know better.

I’m being drawn on so many fronts to the Sharmanic healings that I used to practice about 20 years ago and then again quite recently, before I left the UK.  It ties in nicely with a book that I bought on recommendation by Brenda and Fiona (hello dear soul sister) – The Mutant Messenger.  What a wow. I actually know what is been written about is, for me, so true.

The other evening was (yet another) Hindu ceremony at the sea shore with families, candles, chants, incence and prayers.  I just wanted to be in there – to be amongst some of these fmilies.  So what did I do? I got close. I felt my heart whell up so full and the compassion of the unfamiliar words and the feelings that were coming up and up and up.  I stayed in that place of absolute love and knowingness that all was as it should be…. for so many hours.  I could hardly pull myself away from the beach, I was part of all those families who were celebrating the light

Last weekend I went away for 3 days which was fun.  Alex showed me round and introduced me to seeing a different part of Goa that was more commercial and yet so wonderfully colourful with it’s shops, market stalls,  incence and singing.  A slow boat round the lake and being serenaded quietly;  some kingfishers darting in and out of site.  Great.  And my companion, the one with the magnificent body, was a stir on the beach.  I have to laugh. He really is such a loving soul and loves the attention – he has a quick mind – always busy in that direction and yet is the most kind person that I know.  It’s is a fabulous combination and such good fun.

Well, I’ll be going to Manipur about 11th December and visiting Mumbai for 2 days – think I will do the same on return as I have heard it is a fascinating City so why not?  Mind you, as Manipur is still a restricted area, it has not yet been confimed that my Certificate of Entrance has been approved. It will be cold there so good job I have the long johns to go with

Until I hear from you all …. limited respsonses so far, so I am not sure if anyone other than Debbie and Carl are watching my progress …  Love Jackie x